A Series on Empathy - Part 3 - CARES

Note to my readers - I know I said in my last blog that I would discuss Logical Consequences in this blog.  But I needed to talk about CARES first.  Stay tuned for blog number 4 in the series for Logical Consequences.

Elementary teachers often talk about the Summer Slide - the effects on academics because of children not being in school for two months over the summer.  And teachers often spend one or two months at the beginning of the year just reviewing what should have been learned at the end of the previous grade. Of course, year round school would eliminate the Summer Slide.  But so would children reading and writing over the summer months. But, for many of us, neither of these situations actually occurs.  

For me, I relished the review time.  Why?  I needed that time to teach something more important than the given curriculum requirements. Because, at the beginning of every year, I spent one or two months teaching my students about CARES.  What is CARES?

I spent time at the beginning of each year teaching - really teaching - each of these words and meanings.  We watched videos that demonstrated CARES.  We blogged about which CARES term we were working on.  We spied on each other looking for examples of CARES.  We wrote each night about examples of CARES.  We looked for examples in books, on tv, in the news, in the cafeteria, during lessons. My CARES bulletin board stayed up all year as a reminder of the meaning of these terms.

Why does this matter?  Why did I spend so much time each year on it?  Because I truly believed, and still do, that my primary job was to teach my students to be better members of society. And the society we were working in was the classroom and school society, first and foremost.  Also, by spending time at the beginning of the year on CARES, the rest of the year went very smoothly, since, when something went wrong, they would just need quick reminders to get back on track.

I remember one child, Robbie, (not his name) who struggled all year to learn these concepts.  He was a complainer and worked hard to attack and blame his classmates.  His seat was moved often, since no one wanted to sit with him for any length of time.  His parents encouraged his behavior, saying he was standing up for himself, even though I repeatedly demonstrated that this was not the case. 

At the beginning of the year, as Robbie caused problems, we would have class meetings to solve these problems he and the other children were facing.  The children would speak to him about their difficulties, using our CARES vocabulary.  He started out being defensive and then, began to listen. Eventually, Robbie learned a bit more self-control.  In fact, he asked the children to help him when he forgot.  They would walk up to him while he was ranting and simply say, "S-C." He would stop in mid-sentence, and breathe.  

Robbie didn't completely stop complaining about others.  But he did recognize that empathy and self-control were his difficult concepts.  And the class sincerely praised him at the end of the year for working so hard to be someone who CARES.

Robbie was my struggle that year but I'm glad I got to work with him.  We need to teach our children about CARES and all that those concepts imply.  We need to heal this society and improve it.  And it all starts with being a society that CARES.

Want to know more about CARES? Look into Responsive Classroom. Even if you can't afford the training, which I HIGHLY recommend, the books are amazing. I especially recommend The First Six Weeks of School.

A Series on Empathy - Part 2 - No Tolerance Policies

My second year of teaching had me in an inner city school in Brooklyn, NY.  I was very young, very inexperienced, and, really had no idea what I was doing.  The school was a safe haven for most of the children, who came from broken, drug filled, homes.  It was a daily occurrence to have a child come in upset because a family member was killed or arrested the night before. And my job, my ONLY job, as I was told often by my principal when we butted heads, was to teach these fifth graders the curriculum.  I failed miserably in doing just that job.  But that is a story for another day.

The principal believed that the only way to control the children - yes, I really meant to say control - was to have complete order.  That meant silence in the classrooms and hallways, scheduled bathroom breaks, silence in the cafeteria, chained and locked doors during school hours, and lock step teaching from the staff.  The environment was not conducive to learning for either me or my students, which was the main reason my principal and I did not always get along.

I had 35 children in my class that year.  I started with 30 but got more throughout the year.  On any given day, another teacher would be absent and that class would be split up among the rest of us.  So there were usually about 40 children in my small room at one time. And, because I never believed in following rules that made no sense, my room was noisy.  Controlled chaos is what I called it because the children would always talk and discuss and help each other out but, when the principal made her rounds, we would get silent instantly and I would take my place in front of the room.  The kids loved being part of this deception and they learned.  They learned the curriculum, they learned they could teach me a lot (like Spanish or like that the stationary store across the street was a place to buy drugs), they learned to be a family.

So one day, I get a new student, Harry (not his real name).  Harry came with his dad from China.  He spoke almost no English.  He was very small for his age and loved being in the classroom.  Harry's dad thought I, as his teacher, was the best thing that ever happened to him.  I learned that China treats teachers much differently than we do here in the US.

Harry fit in well.  He loved math (very little language needed) and worked hard to learn both English and Spanish.  He made friends in class. I thought things were going well and then the principal called me to her office. 

It seems that Harry had come to school with a switchblade knife.  This meant instant suspension.  There was a No Tolerance policy about bringing weapons to school.  And Harry had shown one of his neighbors that he had this knife in his backpack. So Harry's dad comes to get him and he is gone from my classroom for 10 days.  I asked the principal why Harry had the knife but she didn't know.  She never asked.  He had the knife, he gets suspended. Period.

When he came back, I decided to find out why Harry brought a knife to school.  "Did you know," I asked, "that you weren't allowed to have a weapon?" He did.  "So why did you bring it to school?" Harry told me, in his broken English, that there was a boy who was bullying him before school, while he waited for the doors to open and let him in the building.  He tried to tell the teacher on duty but couldn't get himself understood.

My first thought was, "Why didn't he tell me or another classmate?"  And then I started thinking about Harry coming to school.  One day he had a small cut over his eye.  He told me he fell.  One day his hand was bruised.  He told me he was playing ball and got hurt. 

My inexperience was showing.  I have since learned that I cannot ignore all the cuts and bruises.  I have learned to spend more time listening than talking.  But that day, I learned about the unfairness of a No Tolerance policy.  Harry was not a bad kid, nor was he a danger to anyone.  He didn't even take out the knife when the bully confronted him.  But Harry got suspended. And the bully? He went to class, never met with a teacher or the principal, and kept on bullying other children. 

Harry didn't get bullied anymore because my students, his classmates, came to the rescue.  They told me about the bully and told Harry how to avoid him.  They protected Harry before and after school from then on. I never went to the principal with my new information because, well, she scared me (she was a bully, too) so I talked to her as little as possible.

No Tolerance policies don't work.  Children do things for reasons.  By ignoring the reason and only doling out punishment, we are telling children they are powerless and we don't care about the why.  And suspending a child from school takes that child from the one place that is stable and puts them in a home situation that very well could be the cause of the problems to begin with. 

The start of teaching Empathy is teaching Responsibility.  Children need to learn that they are responsible for their actions.  But if we dole out punishments without giving them an opportunity to take that responsibility, we have taught nothing. 

 

When my students heard why Harry was suspended from school, they rallied behind him.  Their empathy was clearly showing.  Before we knew why he brought in the knife, rumors were flying about what a bad boy Harry was.  No empathy at all.  But Harry took the responsibility of his actions seriously.  When he came back to school, he stood, this tiny little boy, in front of the room and told the class that he did something wrong.  And then he answered all their questions about his why.  It gave them the chance to empathize.  And they did.  

Teach Responsibility and you begin to teach Empathy. And turn punishments into Logical Consequences.  (More on that in my next blog.)

A Series on Empathy - Part 1 - Why teach Empathy?

 Somebody posted a picture on FaceBook that listed what children today are learning from the President of the United States.  You may or may not agree with the list, but you have to admit something is wrong in this world.

Parents and teachers spend lifetimes teaching children about empathy.  Some do better than others.  Some actively try, while others hope to lead by example.  All of us fail at times.  

Today, it is clear to me that empathy is sorely lacking in the world.  From the President of the United States and leaders of other countries, to protestors, rioters, members of the House of Representatives and Members of the Senate to store and restaurant employees and customers.  Lack of empathy and respect is running rampant. Open your news feed on any given day and you will see government representatives being rude to each other, to constituents, and to the media.  You will see examples of "Karens" all over the world (I'm not going to even get into the idea of a "Karen" as being rude.  It is and I'm sorry for all you women out there whose real name is Karen.).  You will see examples of car accidents caused by disrespect and lack of empathy for other drivers. You will see companies laying waste to huge areas of land and water, with no respect for any living being already there.

I truly believe it is the job of educators to actively teach children empathy. It is not enough to just lead by example.  It hasn't worked up to now. Probably because a school, by its very nature, promotes a lack of empathy. Let me explain.

How many times have you told a child to stop talking to a classmate, only to find out he was only trying to help a friend understand the assignment better?

How often have you held a competition in your classroom, cheering for the winner, while hoping the loser doesn't start to cry and ruin all the fun?

How many times have you told your students they could not work together on this assignment, because you knew it would mean either someone was left working alone or one person would do all the work, while the other watched and did nothing?

How many times did you tell your students not to talk in the hallway and then you started a conversation with a passing teacher?

How often did you work with your students to win the "Class of the Week" award for highest grades, best attendance, quietest behavior - cheering when you won or booing when another class won?

I could go on and on. Each of these examples is commonplace and begs for a lesson in empathy.  But who has time?  I believe we must make the time.  It is imperative for the good of our world. We have lost the ability to lift others up, to care for the environment, to listen to those who have differing opinions. We need to reinforce the idea that empathy and respect are necessary and useful for advancement in a society.  

I remember Albert.  He was a fifth grade student of mine who was classified as learning disabled.  He had a language delay, so explaining himself was quite difficult.  And he had a family that encouraged him to never take responsibility for anything.  They believed he was always right, the other children were always wrong, and the teachers did not understand him at all.  He struggled constantly with the other children, fighting over books, over favorite seats, over playground toys.  He argued with teachers over whether or not work should be done, was done, was handed in.  He made the year quite a challenge. 

I spent all year working with Albert on communication.  How can you explain to Johnny why you are upset, without using your fists?  How can you show me you need help, without ripping up your work?  How can you solve a problem, without calling in Dad to solve it for you?

What I didn't do with Albert was successfully teach him the fifth grade curriculum.  He didn't improve much in reading or math, he didn't complete projects in social studies or science, he didn't willingly participate in morning meetings or group skype calls or, really, anything we did in class.  I failed as a teacher.  Until one day...

Albert came back from recess, upset with another child about an issue on the playground.  He wanted to punch the other child.  I was able to prevent that and, after talking with him and the other child, I discovered that Albert had a right to be angry.  Normally, he was the bully, taking away toys and pushing kids down.  This time, though, he was playing with a basketball and the other child grabbed it from him and refused to let him play.  If I had just gone along with the day, I would have punished Albert.  After all, it was usually his fault that a fight was brewing.  But I took the time to listen, learn, and teach.  

I told Albert he had a right to be angry but not a right to hit.  I helped him use his words to explain his position to the other child.  The other child apologized and told Albert that the next day, they would play basketball together.  And they did.

I would love to tell you that Albert changed completely, became a top student and a calm child.  But he didn't.  He struggled all year with explaining himself.  The other children, however, saw a different side of him and helped him stay calm during a crisis.  And two years later, while I was visiting the middle school, I saw Albert in the hallway.  He came right up to me, shook my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "Hello, Mrs. Parisi.  It's so good to see you.  How are you?" This was monumental.

Why do I tell this story?  Albert will probably never be a mover and shaker of the world.  He will probably have to work every day to keep his family from "saving him from the world."  And he might still struggle with reading and writing and math.  But maybe, just maybe, he won't go to a rally and start a fight.  Maybe he won't walk into a store and berate the cashier for making a mistake.  Maybe he will get married and treat his wife with respect and kindness.  Maybe.  And maybe, if we spend more time actively teaching empathy, spend more time dealing with situations instead of reacting to them, spend more time teaching children how to listen to each other and care about each other, the world will be a better place.  And we really need the world to be a better place.

Stay tuned for more blogs on this topic.  I have lots of great ways to teach empathy and will share some with you in future blogs.

 I would love to hear what you do to teach empathy.  Share in your own blog and link back here so we can all read it.